Are your current spells too wordy? Does their description not match your first impression of them? Do you like word play? Then you're in for treat in this guest post by David Fuller, where he reinvents popular spells for the modern magic-user.
Animal Friendship. Enchants the target to want to be "friends" with all the animals.
Blink. Compels the target to blink, even if their eyes are closed. A favourite of medusa sorceresses.
Charm Person. Transmutes a person into a jewellery charm, so you can carry them around and remember their screaming faces.
Cloudkill. Clears the skies of clouds, in an instant cloud burst of rain.
Colour Spray. The target instantly suffers explosive rainbow vomitting.
Cone of Cold. Summons ice cream.
Control Whether. Forces a target faced with a binary decision to pick the option of your choice.
Counter Spell. Summons a worktop.
Cure Wounds. Transmutes wounds into bacon, which is hard to heal without reversing this curse. Also delicious.
Cymbal. Best cast after a snare spell.
Eye Dentify. Pushes in the target's eyeballs. May cause ocular ruptures and permanent blindness.
Day Light. A light spell that only works in the daytime.
Death Ward. Curses an entire urban zone to have a higher mortality rate.
Feather Fall. All the feathers fall off the target creature.
Find Familiar. Locate things you know really well.
Fire Ball. Catapults spherical objects.
Freedom of Movement. Conjures appropriate travel documents.
Gaseous Form. Evaporates paperwork.
Hold Person. Compels the target to hug someone.
Leg End Lore. Palm reading for feet.
Lightening Bolt. Magically enchants a bolt so that if placed in a container makes the contents weigh less.
Mirror Image. Projects your image into a mirror you have seen.
Raise Dead. Levitates corpses, undead or otherwise.
Remove Curse. Deletes a curse word from the target’s mind.
Rope Trick. Consenting adults only.
Scatter. The target instantly suffers explosive diarrhoea.
See Invisibility. The target’s eyes are opened to all things. ALL THINGS. Galvanic radiation, psychic waves, sound, heat, the motion of the air, everything. Closing their eyes offers no mercy as they now also see every blood vessel and bacterium of their eyelids. The overwhelming, overlapping sensory input renders them effectively blind and drives them insane.
Shape Change. Transmutes coins to the local currency.
Shatter. See Scatter.
Spike Growth. Causes pustules to intoxicate the afflicted.
Thunder Clap. Curses the target with a really loud STI.
Tongues. The target's tongue keeps duplicating.
Tree Stride. Enchants a tree to uproot and walk about.
Unseen Servant. Invisibility that only works on the staff.
Viscous Mockery. Delvers an insult dripping in more than sarcasm.
Wall of Fire. Conjures an invisible vertical field that causes all firearms and crossbows to go off when they pass through.
Wind Walk. Allow the caster to discreetly exit the area before the smell of their silent but deadly is noticed.
Word of Recall. Curses the target to remember that embarrassing thing they did 10 years ago, that everyone else has forgotten about, every time they hear the trigger word.