Hoozier Babgottle is a travelling goblin of advanced taste and decorum. With his everchanging assortment of oddities and trinkets, he travels the world in his tiny hot air balloon, made from a sewn-up hog skin and copper bathtub.

As per the law of the land, he would of course never sell any weapons. But it’s not his fault if curious adventurers stumble across his small but perfectly formed selection of very personal armaments.

Artist impression of the goblin merchant

Here is his current stock. Exciting stuff!

Fineries

  • Southern Linen Trousers and Shirts. They keep warm and cool, and are very comfortable. 5 sp a piece.
  • Black and Blue Striped Pantaloons. The blue colour is laced with goldcloud worm thread, and lights up with half the strength of a torch at night, if exposed to at least 6 hours of sunlight beforehand. 15 gp.
  • Green Velveteen Waistcoat. It’s not only very soft to the touch, it repels all sorts of insects. Perfect for the travelling gentleman. 5 gp.

Fine Wine

  • Artemis Artemisia. A greenish wine inspired by elfin tales. Very strong, full of herbs. Drink diluted with spring water lest ye suffer from hallucinations. 7 gp per bottle.
  • Lech Liquor. Overwhelmed by unwanted attention at court? Can’t keep the soldiers out from under your skirt? Lech liquor instantly makes you repulsive to the opposite sex. And, well, most anyone. 3 gp per bottle.
  • Gabo’s Glamour. This fine wine on the other hand encourages outrageous flirtation, stimulates the libido, and makes you a better, if salacious, conversationalist. 8 gp per bottle.
  • Sapphic Gold. We don’t know why, but this nectar, said to originate from Marquise de Toutehomme’s vineyards, pushes everyone into scandalous experimentation. 10 gp per bottle.

Draperies

  • Southern Linen. In multiple colours. 5 sp per yard, 10 yards available.
  • Queen’s Satin. The most luxurious purple silk weave. Evokes awe in all onlookers. 5 gp per yard, 5 yards available.
  • Riverbaron Brocade. The turquoise embroidery on this green base fabric shimmers like running water. Its extraordinary ability to soak up moisture has yet to be put to solid use. 3 gp per yard, 2 yards available.
  • Ob-adder Scales. This pitch black fabric, made out of rare ob-adders, resists all moisture, while encouraging air flow. Perfect for cloaks! 6gp per yard, 12 yards available.
  • Bonewidow Weave. Spun by countless bone widow spiders, this supremely light fabric is nevertheless as tough as linen. It’s popular as gossamer substitute among the very affluent on Midsummer reveries. It is so light that it is said that were one to make a gown with enough of it, one would lift into the air. Sadly, no one has ever gathered enough of it to prove this fanciful story. 50 gp per yard, 3 yards available.

Armaments

  • The Tri-Poker. This ordinary looking spear has a hidden lever in its haft. Yanking it (as a bonus action) causes two backwards pointing blades to spring up from the tip. They never see it coming! 30 gp.
  • Flint Dagger. Originally conceived for theatre, this jagged, dark blade shoots sparks when connecting with rough materials, sometimes enough to ignite nearby inflammables. 4 gp.
  • The Cuckolder. One of the boots in this exquisite lady’s pair in innocent white, has a concealed spring-loaded stiletto (as dagger, cannot be thrown) that can be released by clicking the heels together (bonus action). 18 gp.
  • The Champion’s Blade. This magic longsword grants +1 to attack and damage. The wielder is immune to being frightened, and the first attack against an enemy gains advantage. As an action, the wielder can speak the blade’s command word—Roségard’s Vigil—and gain 3 temporary hit points at the start of each of its turns, for 1 minute, at which point any remaining temporary hit points disappear. This power can be used again after a short rest. This blade is not for sale. Instead, an interested party has to best the previous wielder in single (non-fatal) combat. If they do so, they may wield the blade for the duration of one quest, after which they must become its champion until bested by a new interested party, travelling with Hoozier. The current champion is a young man named Theodore Valesse (statistics as noble, but fully visored), who won the contest for the blade, and quested after his kidnapped newly-wed bride. Unfortunately it was a staged, mock kidnapping, but Theodore, unaware of this, nearly slew one of the masked complicitors. Cousin Jotiel lives, but lost a knee.

Trinkets

  • “Baronesses, or Green Gowns & Tongue Tiffs.” Shockingly salacious prose under the nom de plume of Fabien Vabien. Guaranteed to steam up the driest larder. Perfect with a bottle or two of Gabo’s Glamour and/or Sapphic Gold. 2 gp.
  • Wolfwhistle. This enamelled wooden whistle doesn’t work. 2 sp.
  • Travelling Roaster. A fire resistant spit poker that folds from its impressive 5 feet, down to a single foot. 1 gp.
  • Glorymask. These finely crafted masks cover the whole face, safe for the mouth. They are usually made to resemble gawping devils of sorts, though some resemble real people. Hoozier will only admit to owning one in the likeness of Queen Amélya if pressed. 2 gp per devil or human shaped one, 27 gp for the queen one.
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Goblin Merchant